I am not single. I am celibate. The
unmarried have a gazillion reasons why they chose not to pursue
matrimony. This choice may be for a season. Celibacy or singleness may be a life-time commitment. I have chosen to intentionally live as celibate. This posting will
hopefully be one of many more to come. I certainly will not exhaust all my
thoughts on the subject.
The decision to choose celibacy is
an uphill battle. Lisa Graham McMinn writes, “Singles live in a culture that
assumes they cannot be complete alone, and many experience this as a
self-fulfilling prophecy: to live alone is to be incomplete, unfulfilled”
(McMinn 69). Society pities those who are not romantically attached. And, as
McMinn notes, many who are not married or in a romantic relationship reinforce
this negative belief because they are indeed emotionally alone without a
support system. Sadly, even the Church has jumped on the bandwagon with culture
on the issue of relationships.
No one will deny that intentional
singleness is a scriptural principle, yet it seems that we are reluctant to
accept celibacy as a vocation for those we love. We have this need for everyone
in our lives to be happy—but happy by our standards and definitions. The Church
has bought into the American Dream. Marcy Hintz quotes Rodney Clapp on this
point in her article “Choosing Celibacy.”
Clapp states that the modern evangelical view of family “is not
biblical, but rather bourgeois.” Clapp states that this makes the family a mere
“haven and oasis, an emotional stabilizer and battery-charger for its members.”
These are foundational needs for any family. But Hintz makes a statement that I
think every Christian family needs to read: “when these insular values become ends in themselves, the dream of
Christian family is too small. Much like the single, the family becomes a body
unto itself—set up for life, but alone.” Families were not meant to
function alone as a unit. Singles and celibates likewise are not meant to live
life in isolation.
The Church is a community and a
family. God never intended for Christians to live separately from His bride, our
Mother. Most Christians work on developing a deeper relationship with their
Heavenly Father, but not as many see the importance of getting to know their
spiritual Mother (not to mention their brothers and sisters in Christ). I
believe most of the problems our families face stems from our refusal to invest
in the community of the saints. We wear a façade to hide our problems. We
believe it’s shameful to admit our families are falling apart. The answer’s
plain and simple. P-r-i-d-e. The Church in Western Civilization is dying
because of our hypocrisy. The Church is the place where we can be ourselves.
It’s where we admit we’re not perfect—in fact, we’re depraved, filthy sinners
worthy of eternal damnation. We all sin every day. We repent, we ask forgiveness.
As a community, we see each other at our best and worst. We practice agape
love—we love knowing that God is working in us to will and do of His good
pleasure. We continually receive the opportunity to practice patience because
some of our siblings take a little longer in the process of sanctification. But
we’re a family through good and bad times. Well, at least we should be.
When I grasped the reality that
celibacy means I still have a family, I was able to accept it. I am blessed
with a church now that values my participation and input. My church has a
family atmosphere that loves diversity. I don’t have to be married, dating, or
looking. I can be myself. When I move away to graduate school I hope to find a
similar environment both in the psychology program and my local church. Celibacy
is a different way of looking at life and people. It’s not better than
marriage, but I firmly believe I’m not less because of my calling. As Lisa
Graham McMinn noted, perhaps singles show a special picture of God’s love for
humanity. It’s not exclusive, but inclusive. I have the time to invest in
multiple people rather than just one person.
I’m asking my readers to be
open-minded. God’s calling for marriage or singleness/celibacy is not rocket
science. We know. If one wants to marry, then I believe God will honor that
desire on His timetable. We’re all called to different tasks and different
responsibilities. But we’re all called to be Kingdom workers—working to change
culture and bring about Shalom. I am called to work as a celibate. That’s good and God-glorifying. Most of you are called to marry and have children.
That’s also good and God-glorifying. We’re in this together. And celibates and
singles like me need families in the church to complete us, just as families
need their church to complete them. We’re one body, so let’s function like a healthy one,
please.
References:
McMinn, Lisa Graham. Sexuality and Holy Longing:
Embracing Intimacy in a Broken World
Hintz, Marcy. “Choosing Celibacy” Christianity Today
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/september/20.47.html?start=1
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